irc

Apologies! Your web browser lacks required capabilities. Please consider upgrading it or switching to a more modern web browser.

Initializing. Please wait…

when i was younger, like maybe 14-17, i used to spend a lot of time on my computer. [[AGREE|Next]]

i wouldn't really pay attention in class, i'd sorta just be off doing my own thing on forums or irc chatrooms. [[AGREE|irc]]

i don't know *why* irc, it wasn't exactly state of the art technology in 2014. maybe it was something about the weird, small groups that were still using it. more likely it was the complete anonymity of it. the screen was just text attached to usernames. no names, no ages, no genders, no nationalities, nothing besides you and your words. it was freeing, in that way. [[AGREE|chat]]

<batsxu> just rebuilt my pc, took the thing apart to install a gpu and i figured why not rearrange some other stuff <johnaf20> oh cool, what gpu? <batsxu> gtx 1050, not like state of the art or whatever but better than integrated <johnaf20> nice nice <camsm> i've just got a crappy laptop, better than nothing but there isn't a ton i can do on it really, lol <batsxu> yeah i'm hoping to upgrade the old hard drive soon, running out of room on it for reasons lol the conversations i'd have were often awkward and never deep, but then again i probably wouldn't have wanted them to be anyways. [[AGREE|closet]] [[DISAGREE|yearn]]

i was pretty firmly in the closet at that point, or at least denying it as hard as i could. i think ever since sam told everyone he was a boy, the gears in my brain were slowly ticking, even though i tried to push it all down inside. [[AGREE|time]]

or maybe what i wanted was a meaningful connection. it's not like i *liked* my friends, in fact i often felt this kind of malice and jealousy towards them. they had money, confidence, and hell - some of them didn't even have depression. maybe what i wanted was to lay in someone's arms, cry, and tell them every little confusing way i felt. <a href="night-ritual.html" target="_blank">AGREE</a> [[DISAGREE|closetalt]]

so i spent all my time online, with a constructed sort of a genderless persona. i was a robot, or a "prefer not to say." any time someone on a forum would absently call me "he," i'd get frustrated and try to re-evaluate my speech patterns. what here sounds too masculine? what here sounds to feminine? are they going to think i'm some kind of fag? comical levels of denial, honestly. [[AGREE]] [[DISAGREE|comical]]

then again, <<display closet>>

<a href="lovey.html">sometimes, you're so scared of the future that you try your hardest to erase yourself.</a>

well, not comical if you've been in the same position as me. or maybe more comical actually. not comical if you were watching me retract more and more inside myself every day. [[AGREE]]